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Your Gay Monthly Horoscope |
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The lighter
side of what the stars say for March 2003 |
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Aries
| Taurus |
Gemini | Cancer |
Leo | Virgo |
Libra |
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Scorpio |
Sagittarius |
Capricorn |
Aquarius |
Pisces |
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Ok, El Space-o, so you're
zoned out in some obscure corner of what passes
for a Universe in this part of existence that
your best friend is shopping for a new
candle-lit cloud for you. Earth calling Aries,
come in please. Or at least cum. What's it going
to take to get you to return to the material
plane this month? Hello-o-o-o........oh, rats.
So spaced out in the Cosmic Realms, our dear
Aries can't even find a trick. Now you know it's
the etheric month of them all when Aries is
doing all this without drugs. Geez, Aries
couldn't even find a dealer much less a drug
this month. Could someone please get a stray
Pisces to sort out this poor lost little Aries? |
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March
21st - April 19th |
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April
20th - May 20th |
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Your finest financial schemes get
lost in pixie dust this month. Yeah, that sure-fire
gold mine in the remote corner of Tofulada just
tanked when your "best friend" in the bar who sold
you the stock disappeared mysteriously. Talk to
bartender, but don't expect any answers. However,
the bartender is likely available, so maybe what you
really need is action and not answers. And besides
what was the question? In fact what was your name
again? Oh, your name is "Again". Watch those double
drinks from a baggy-eyed bartender. There's more
than pixie dust in them thar hills (and drinks). |
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Remember the old song? "Fairy
tales can come true, it can happen to you..."
Try a real fairy's tail and a little bit of
mindless fiction to accelerate the action.
(Gemini? Mindless fiction to pick up a trick?
Perish the thought!) Swish into your favorite
bar in something totally lavish, like a sequined
dungeon-master's outfit, trimmed with a fuzzy
rattlesnake boa (make it a live boa and really
get people's attention), and watch the heads
turn as you turn into the fantasy that no one
ever thought of, but at least one bar-type might
actually want to try. You're too weird for words
this month, Gemini. And that's saying something
(but none of us is sure quite what, which is
standard for Gemini). |
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May
21st - June 20th |
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June
21st - July 22nd |
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Tough month, Cancer. Get used to
it. You crotch is screaming for action, as in "Now!
More!". The only problem is you are so busy with
whatever fantasy it is which just went through your
mind, assuming this month we can call it a mind,
that your driving physical imperative for lust,
love, or just plain old sex gets lost in the
unfathomed and uncharted oceanic dream of the
perfect stranger from some exotic locale (any place
more than 10 miles from where you live will do
nicely for this). Lost really isn't the word, but
you are gone into in the ethers, or at least the
vapours floating up your nose. The drugs are better
downtown, and the tricks are better uptown. Honey,
you can't be two places at once, but you're likely
stoned enough to try. |
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Leos are known for a lot of
things, including sex. But this month (giggle,
giggle), dearest lion heart, your lovely dreams
of sex are far better than the sex itself. Plan
A: write erotic poetry. Post it in an internet
chat room. Wait for all the trolls to find it.
Run for cover. The poetry needs a rewrite. Plan
B: remember that bar buddy you've been meaning
to do for far too long? Go to bar. Order drink.
Cruise said buddy. Your place. Hot stuff. Great
sex. You mention your poetry. Trick remembers a
sudden appointment at 3 a.m. Place C: The baths.
Plan D: The bushes. Plan E: your ex. Plan F:
dream on. |
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July
23rd - Aug. 22nd |
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Aug.
23rd - Sept. 22nd |
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Attention all Virgo watchers!
Attention! Start taking notes, get your webcams
warmed up! Little Miss Perfection Herself is about
to fall madly, hopelessly and irretrievably in love
this month. Not only that, LMPH may even have sex
(!) with her beloved. We want this recorded for
posterity. In fact we want it on every TV in the
world, so that when, at month's end, LMPH finally
gets her karmic cum-uppance (yup, this one is a
backorder of karma served up medium rare, a la
carte) we can play the rerun of the crash and burn
with a full chorus of "I told you so!" in four-part
harmony during prime time news. Ow-w-w-w. This one
will be juicy! |
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You're dreaming in
Technicolor at work this month. In fact, you're
dreaming about creaming in Technicolor this
month. They used to call these wet dreams. In
your case, it's your sex life this month. Oh
well, go have your little fantasy about
whatever. Best bet for fantasy land is a
gossamer tasteful little friend you pick up at
tasteful little party in a tasteful little
townhouse in a tasteful little corner of town
which is tucked away in a tasteful little place
no one but tasteful little people with tasteful
little minds ever heard about in their tasteful
little world, with tasteful little adornments.
Hey, remember I said this was fantasy. Don't
email me for the address. |
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Sept.
23rd - Oct. 22nd |
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Oct.
23rd - Nov. 21st |
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Let's get this month sorted out
right away. Yes you are a Scorpio, yes you love sex,
and yes this month is action city. Ok? Fine. Now, be
very, very careful about who you pick up (yeah, I
know, that's a new concept for you, but I just read
the stars, you live your life). There's a very real
and present danger you need to know about ahead of
time (yeah, I know, danger turns you on). It's not
the danger you're thinking it is (yeah, I know, the
more exotic the danger, the better you like it).
This danger could have long-term consequences for
you (yeah, I know, that makes it even more enticing
for you). Ok, so here's the warning (cue ominous
music): You could fall in love. |
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It had to happen sometime. I
mean even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
(Well, they used to be until digital clocks were
invented.) Anyway, for once, and you just knew
this was going to happen, your lover is
interested in the same silly fantasies you are.
Bet you never thought you'd live long enough to
see this happen. It isn't going to last forever,
in fact, you'll be doing really, really well for
it to last the month, but here you go. Dredge up
all candle-light, Romance, and mushy silliness
you can think of. Really, I mean this. Flowers,
chocolates, soft music, the whole nine yards
(actually nine inches will be fine, thank you
very much). And nobody turns into a pumpkin at
midnight (nudge, nudge, wink, wink). |
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Nov.
22nd - Dec. 21st |
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Dec.
22nd - Jan. 19th |
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Not the month to be doing
investments. Darn. Forget the speculative venture.
In fact, put all your fine money-making schemes out
to pasture this month. You are indeed starting a new
two-year cycle, but this is not about money. Darn,
again. This is about all the things you've never
done before: softness, gentleness, empathy,
compassion. Yeah, go look them up in a dictionary.
These were all the strange words your ex screamed at
you when the two of you split up. Once you've got
the dictionary definitions figured out (it's okay to
move your lips while reading it), move your lips in
someone's ear (or crotch) and see what happens.
Better yet, turn the light off so you don't see
what's going on (or in). |
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Did you ever think that there
was anyone, I mean, anyone who has more oxygen
between their ears than you? Well, my friend,
you are going to find out. It's your dear
friends, all of them. They're even more detached
from reality than you are this month. Serious
problem, Dude. This requires serious action.
RTFM. Here's a summary. Engage friend with both
hands. Look friend in the eye. Smile. Say
something totally irrelevant (the first words
that come to mind will do nicely). Slide your
hands down the front of said friend's pants.
Pant. Allow friend to do the same. Pant again.
And for chrissakes stop reading this manual,
stupid. |
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Jan.
20th - Feb 18th |
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Feb.
19th - March 20th |
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Strike up the band! It's
celebration time! Yes, we know it took ages, and no
it wasn't easy, but yes we're going to have a party!
To be honest, dear beloved Pisces, we never thought
you'd do it. Really. But you rose to the occasion
(something you've actually become pretty good at).
You bit the bullet (and, we're told a few other
things). You handled the challenge well (and handled
a few other things well, too, we heard). You
stretched yourself to the limit (which apparently is
about six inches), and you did what you had to do.
So Congratulations!! We applaud you!! It's not every
day you graduate with Honors from Butch Lessons!!!
(This fantasy will self-destruct in thirty seconds.) |
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(c)Copyright 2002 by Richard
Brown, all rights reserved
ISSN 1499-6537
http://www.gay-astrology.com |
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