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Your Gay Monthly Horoscope |
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The lighter
side of what the stars say for January 2003 |
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Aries
| Taurus |
Gemini | Cancer |
Leo | Virgo |
Libra |
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Scorpio | Sagittarius |
Capricorn |
Aquarius | Pisces |
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As soon
as you recover from your New Year's hangover,
your career tanks. That limits your options:
your left hand, your right hand, or maybe the
phone number you got from that rather obscure
but sexy number New Year's Eve. You remember,
the one who dragged your best friend off to
someplace nobody could find? You don't remember?
You were that messed up? (Again? Haven't we
covered this territory before with you?) Anyway,
phone. It ain't love, it ain't romance, but
maybe, just maybe, it could be some very
interesting (although obscure) sex. But then
again, maybe not. And you're never going to know
until you get your hand out of your pants and
reach for the phone. |
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March
21st - April 19th |
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April
20th - May 20th |
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This is not,
repeat not, the month for a fly-away winter holiday
to some romantic warm and sunny Shangra-la in a
tropical island paradise. More than likely what
you'll get is lost luggage, the wrong plane
connections (the Yukon is not fun in January, trust
me on that one), or assuming you even arrive where
you intended, you're headed for something which is
not at all romantic, like a beach full of trolls,
dweebs, dorks, and losers. (Sort of like your last
visit to the bars.) Save your airmiles, and besides
your credit cards are still on life-support from
last year. That is not to say nothing is going on.
Lots is going on. Particularly in your crotch.
However, your action is found in dark and sultry
places walking distance from home. For once you can
have fun being your usual cheapskate self. |
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This month
will be fun, at least fun for those of us
watching you, Gemini. You'll likely be at your
wits end when you discover that you have no
words for the hottest sex you've ever had in
your life. Neat. It's not often we find you
either speechless or tongue-tied. although we
are looking forward to seeing what it is you'll
get your tongue tied around--yummy, yummy,
yummy. Start off slowly this month. (Ha! That'll
be the day.) Now after you've discovered all
your phone lines, email, and internet chat rooms
are thoroughly snarled up, forget the
technology! Go retro. Do it in person. It's
amazing what sex with a real human is like. Like
totally awesome. |
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May
21st - June 20th |
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June
21st - July 22nd |
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Okay, lets
get to the point: 2003 is not going to get off to
much of a start. After the screaming match with your
lover right after New Year's (it was no one's fault,
but you won't see it that way), you'll go out to get
even, or at least get laid, which for you is much
the same thing. That'll be fine for the first week,
but it's the follow through for the rest of the
month which is a problem. You run a very high risk
of running into some empty-headed politically
correct type who would rather discuss at length the
technical specifications of latex protection. And
you thought this number was hot? Not a chance. Not
even boring. Try bad Karma instead. By month's end
you'll realize your lover wasn't so bad after all. |
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Good thing
you're brutally insensitive to the feelings of
others, Leo, 'cause it's going to be the kind of
month where that's what it takes to satisfy
those urges of yours. New Year's Eve was the
pits. So when was it ever anything else when the
amateurs take over for a night? Anyway, at least
you realized it's time to find some fresh action
in a fresh year. Action there is, will be, and
shall be. Just don't take it seriously, not a
bit of it, particularly the one who claims not
to have a lover. That one is better at lying
than you are (hard to imagine, but true). But
then this is just hot action, right? Right?
Right? Darn, you're lost again. Oh, beware the
hottest crotch in the world on the Full Moon at
January 18th. Even Napoleon had his Waterloo. |
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July
23rd - Aug. 22nd |
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Aug.
23rd - Sept. 22nd |
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Oh, just shut
up and f**k, for chrissakes! Why do you think you
let your lover move in? For the conversation? Geesh.
Yes, yes, we all know your New Year's resolution is
to finally submit your application for Sainthood.
Kindly read the fine print at the bottom of the
application form, little Miss Perfection. You need
to redeem yourself. That means you must first
establish your credentials as a four-star slut,
sinner, and sex fiend before you can even consider
any Higher Calling. So let's get started on the sex
fiend part, okay? Then we can work on the slut and
sinner part later in the year. If we're lucky,
maybe, just maybe, we can squeeze every last little
drop of excess out of you (or at least have fun
trying). |
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Look
sometimes months like this happen. Bad
tricks happen to nice people. It's like just the
way the world is. Is it justice? No. Is it fair?
No. So who ever promised fair? Now let's get you
sorted out. Philistines exist. Get used to it.
So change your strategy. Correction number one:
sometimes it's okay if your home looks a mess.
Correction number two: sometimes the tricks
don't care if your home is a mess. Correction
number three: ever thought of going to the
trick's place, instead? Armed with this
enlightened perspective, hit the bars, dearie.
There's action, action, action, provided you're
not too fussy. (You, fussy? Has someone been
spreading rumours again? Rumours are not the
best thing to spread; try your legs, instead.) |
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Sept.
23rd - Oct. 22nd |
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Oct.
23rd - Nov. 21st |
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It's never off-season
for you, is it? Once again it's a good thing you're
not the talkative type. There are no words for you
to speak in any event. You are not looking for
conversation, and even if you were, it wouldn't get
you what you want. And we all know what a Scorpio
wants, don't we? (No, not power, silly. Sex.
Although power can be a nice substitute on a slow
month. But this month isn't slow.) Now any place you
can think of which does not require conversation is
your strong suit this month. That's pretty much all
the places you usually go, isn't it? Dark, steamy,
secluded, anonymous. Knock three times and say "Horn
E. sent me". A mysterious stranger met in the night
during the Full Moon on January 18th could be lover
material. You've been warned. (Heh, heh.) |
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If New
Year's Eve seemed like karma, it was. If the
first week of the month seems like even more
karma, it is. However, all things pass in this
world, even karma. (Bet you didn't think about
your ex that way, did you?) So that leaves us
the rest of the month. May we all be breathless
trying to keep up (as it were) to you. That's
assuming any of us can match your burning pace.
I can't go through a box of tissues as quickly
as you could be going through tricks. Forget the
slow motion replays. There's too much action
here. Well, you have to make up for last year at
some point. Watch your credit cards, however.
This month is about sex, not money. Don't
confuse the two and you'll be fine. |
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Nov.
22nd - Dec. 21st |
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Dec.
22nd - Jan. 19th |
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What a
snarled up month! I'd love to watch this one
unfold. Perhaps it's like this: by accident you
receive a hot, very hot, steamy email meant for
someone else. But bored as you are with your humdrum
life, you decide to reply just to see what happens.
And what happens is that you meet someone else's
hidden internet admirer who thinks you are the
Someone Else. This is like totally cool because the
hidden admirer is drop-dead gorgeous, rich, and the
hottest number in bed you could ever imagine. By the
end of the month, you've fallen in love. Problem is
the admirer is in love with that Someone Else you
are impersonating and not you. Crises at month's end
when the truth outs. Just remember to smile as you
crash and burn and feel some real emotions for the
first time in ten years. While you're crying your
eyes out, remember that it was fun while it lasted. |
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Melt some
snow in January, Aquarius. Boot up your palm
pilot. Dust off your little black book. Phone up
every trick, buddy, and friend. They are all
hot, hot, hot for your bod, bod, bod. Only one
small catch. You have to connect with them
first. (There always is a catch with these
things.) And it will be an exercise in Murphy's
Law getting the connection together. Email
disappears into cyberspace. That's okay. Even if
dear old Ma Bell crosses your wires into someone
else's voice mailbox, leave a message. You never
know. But then again, maybe you do know. We all
know how well you play that game. (Weren't you
the one who invented it?) Anyway, if none of
that works, try making some new friends for the
New Year. Spend this month getting acquainted
from the waist down. You've got the rest of the
year to get acquainted from the waist up. |
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Jan.
20th - Feb 18th |
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Feb.
19th - March 20th |
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Well, I suppose
you could use this month's wonderful energy to make
leaps and bounds of advancement in your career, but
given your track record, likely you'll miss that
boat because you were at the train station. So here
is Plan B: Sell tickets to your candle-lit cloud.
It's okay, because for once everyone will be able to
find it. (Sometimes these things happen.) So you now
have a audience. Good. Invite the most wonderful and
beautiful or handsome (whatever) member of the
audience to come up on stage with you. Instruct the
maestro to gear up the violins. Try some improv, The
Romance Of The Century with your audience volunteer.
You know the soap opera, honey. Just let it unfold.
Just be sure to take your bow when the audience
applauds at the end. Remember fun things always
happen when you bend over. |
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(c)Copyright 2002 by Richard
Brown, all rights reserved
ISSN 1499-6537
http://www.gay-astrology.com |
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