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Your Gay Monthly Horoscope |
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The lighter
side of what the stars say for February 2003 |
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Aries
| Taurus |
Gemini | Cancer |
Leo | Virgo |
Libra |
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Scorpio |
Sagittarius |
Capricorn |
Aquarius |
Pisces |
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Oh yes, we've heard this one
before from you, getting your resume up to date
and getting your career on track at last to
bigger and better things. And this is just the
month to do that. But (and there's always a but,
or butt, for you, isn't there?), you are more
than likely to get distracted, like very
distracted, especially around Valentine's Day
when the hottest, hunkiest little number you've
seen in more years than we're going talk about
publicly suddenly waltzes (or minces, who
cares?) into your life seducing you, your career
plans, your bank account, and anything else
that's available, like the inside of your pants,
for instance. By month's end all your friends
will be saying, "We told you so!" Oh, how we
enjoy doing that. |
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March
21st - April 19th |
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April
20th - May 20th |
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You can stop ruminating about the
state of the Universe anytime you like. That might
have been fine for one of your philosophy
professors, but honey, pay attention to the
chocolate on Valentine's Day. When you get a
chocolate sculpture of your favorite inflated body
part (Oh, yummy!) remember that after you finish
eating it (now was I referring to the chocolate or
the inflated body part?), it's time to get on with
desert, which just happens to be that kind soul and
horny person who sent you the chocolate (and maybe
even the inflated body part). Oh yeah, be sure to
unwrap both the chocolate and the horny person
before ingesting either. (You? Tacky? Never!) |
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Stop bitching. Book the
grandest dinner for two in a quiet candle-lit
restaurant for you and your lover for
Valentine's Day. Make it as exotic a menu as you
can dream up (that includes the food, too).
Don't worry that you're having trouble speaking
two words in a row of romantic sweet nothings.
That ain't the point, dear. The point is the
long, slow evening in bed after dinner. Let it
spill over into morning, afternoon, and the next
evening. It really is time you got your
priorities together and reconnected with what it
is that made you fall in love in the first
place. And the bedroom is the best place to use
that mouth of yours in a constructive fashion.
(And we're not talking about conversation,
m'love.) |
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May
21st - June 20th |
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June
21st - July 22nd |
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Be very careful what you wish
for, Cancer. You want a Valentine, you got one, but
make sure your check list is complete. You goof up
on this list, and cupid is likely to send you a
dull, boring old troll with the brains of chimpanzee
and a body only a mother wart hog could love. Not
what you had in mind, is it? So let's get our little
act together. Closets are for clothes, remember? The
sexy hot little number at work is available, but
then if they think they're straight (there are still
some who do, you know) it may be a challenge, until
of course, no one is watching, and then, oh my
goodness, the truth jumps out of their pants and
salutes. Be careful what you wish for...... |
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You could stay at home on
Valentine's Day and talk about all the fine
issues of the world with the lowly peasant you
call your lover (are you ever going to wake up
about this one?) or you could do what your
crotch is screaming out loud in ten languages
for you to do, and hit where ever it is that you
cruise and pickup whomever (or whatever). Slam,
bang, thank you Sam, for Valentine's Day. It's a
life, sort of. So you cover your tracks are home
just in time with flowers and tickets for two
for someplace as grand as you think you are.
Just make sure the stains have been wiped off
your pants thoroughly before you try that snow
job again with your other half. |
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July
23rd - Aug. 22nd |
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Aug.
23rd - Sept. 22nd |
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The boss wants to talk to you
this month, and it's boring, boring, boring at work.
So tell us something new, perhaps? Anyway since this
is your year to become a certified sinner (the
application for sainthood requires this as a
prerequisite, remember?), get out there and sin,
sin, sin. Okay, so that's not going to work for you
is it? How about walking down any busy street with
your hand in your pants and winking at every cute
little number you lock eyes with. Bet you don't have
to do that ten times before you've got exactly the
action which will smear what's left of your
reputation right into the gutter. And it's fun, fun,
fun, to boot, even if the action is gross enough to
make you want to watch XXX-rated videos for a month
as penance. |
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Well, I suppose you could
chatter your way through the month again, even
though you've done this so many times before
that we're all getting a little fed up with the
banality of it all. There's always the chat
rooms, which may or may not get some humpy
number knocking at your door, but there's always
your last resort, your lover. Damn. What a month
when you have to settle for Plan C, but then
that's why you shacked up, isn't it. Oh yes,
BTW, your Plan C (aka your lover) may surprise
you with a wonderful treat and dinner for
Valentine's Day. Be gracious. There's someone in
this world who loves your ass more than you do,
and I'm starting to feel sorry for the donkey. |
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Sept.
23rd - Oct. 22nd |
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Oct.
23rd - Nov. 21st |
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Here's what you're looking for on
Valentine's Day. A nice little submissive, who is
well trained, well behaved, totally obedient, and
who begs to serve your every order to your eternal
perfection. And when you get done with that little
fantasy, it's back to the bushes and dark laneways
for whatever action may be lurking in murky night,
and given your track record, action is a pretty tame
word. Maybe, just maybe, you're going to figure out
that if you want that nice little submissive
fantasy, you're going to have to invest a bit of
yourself in some clueless slob who doesn't know left
hand from right hand. Be patient, even clueless
slobs are trainable, but not in the bushes (although
some are pretty good with a bush). |
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Well, hi ho, Sagittario! Here
is your month, at last, at last. You going to
take advantage of it. Sagittarius? Sagittarius?
Darn, off again on a great adventure, are we?
Look, sweetums, slow down the great adventure
routine just long enough to get a sidekick, or
at least somebody to look after you after a hard
day, or during a hard day, come to think of it.
Then take off on your great adventure, which may
likely be the answer to that eternal
philosophical question which has plagued
humanity since time immemorial: "Your place or
mine?" That's when you get to plunge the depths
of meaning and draw forth whatever essence is
there to be savored. It's not be my Valentine.
It's Valentine, be my inner probing. |
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Nov.
22nd - Dec. 21st |
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Dec.
22nd - Jan. 19th |
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Ok, so you got lucky and scored.
Look, sometimes things like this just happen. Even a
stopped clock is right twice a day. And yes, it was
fun, probably the first fun you've had in several
years. You might have even enjoyed it, to the extent
you can enjoy anything. Now about this lover fantasy
kicking around inside your brains. Not a chance. Not
this one. Not now. Not ever. Do not got there. This
is bad karma. Ugly beyond belief. There, I've said
it. Of course, you weren't listening. You were too
busy getting your pants off and jumping into bed
again. Oh dear, what ever are we going to do about
you, darling Capricorn? Perhaps, just let the
Universe unfold as it should. Happy Valentine's Day,
sort of. |
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Gee, if there ever was a
month where you could talk the skin off a
rattlesnake, this is that month. Too bad there
aren't any rattlesnakes around. (Your ex left
town last month.) But FWIW, not to worry about
Valentine's Day. Likely you'll be picking up
your Valentine with the flowers. So have a hot
little day, a hot little evening, and a hot
little night. And we hope the rest of this hot
number isn't so little. Meanwhile, don't bother
to get a phone number. You're dreaming in
Technicolor again, duckie. Geesh, yeah, I know
that's been a problem for you lately, but for
once, just once, accept this one for what it is.
Great sex, but no brains. Like a no-brainer,
okay? |
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Jan.
20th - Feb 18th |
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Feb.
19th - March 20th |
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You're still riding the wave of
wonderful steps forward in your career, and likely
you're still missing the wave and wondering why all
these surfing guys are out in the ocean with you.
Don't make the mistake of trying to talk with them.
That's not how it works. Get up on your board and
catch that wave, dude. But remember the best inside
outs are done in the bedroom, but it's like totally
awesome to show your stuff (all of it) out on the
water. Wiping out is cool, providing you time it
right so that one of these very fine dudes is right
there when you come up for air. Hang ten on a
six-pack. |
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(c)Copyright 2002 by Richard
Brown, all rights reserved
ISSN 1499-6537
http://www.gay-astrology.com |
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